Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
