I feel great
I just peed on a car
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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