Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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