Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
