I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I said "one day" and that day is not today
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
