I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
