Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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