Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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