I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
