if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
