If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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