I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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