I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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