i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
