turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
