His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
His hands were made for my vagina.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
