if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I forget how to act sober
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