Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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