theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
