why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Say something about gay babies.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
