Only a mothe r could love this liver
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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