I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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