my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
