We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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