That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
