Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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