you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
