Don't make out with my wife yet
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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