I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
