I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
