I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I made him laugh his dick is mine
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
