apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize