Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
