You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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