Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
