Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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