I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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