I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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