ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
