meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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