Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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