If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
