At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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