God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
