1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
