it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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