last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
