martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
