I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize