Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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