Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Randomize
