Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
