Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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