I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
