hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
