Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
