There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
